Effects of self

The person I have become and can finally see. My experience has definitely changed me.

I find that I am more calm and less dramatic and worried about general life.
When I tickle, I am more gentle about it.
I happen to go for walks often, more so then I did before, and I think part of this is habit.

A lot has changed in me, and caring less about the things that don't matter and more attention on learning whatever I want.

I also realize that I am more giving. I am terrible when it comes to buying birthday gifts for my family and friends, but now I want to give them something. In Haiti, people are generally sharing people, as long as you pay a favor in return. They would share and switch sandals, exchange clothes, or buy a round for everyone. I think I was very stingy with my money, and my perspective is more laid back.

I've kind of lost excitement in my life. The next thing I have to look forward to is landing a job that I love, and right now I think it is going to be a lengthy progress. I like to spend all my free time going to the library and using their reading resources. I never imagined I would want to read the newspaper, but I am making it a habit. Sometimes I even read something about politics, because I think I should know it but it is not one of my interests. Once in a while I go into the children's section and read a few books and read them until I find one I like. It depends on the day, always.

Learning something new and interesting, that can be the excitement in my life.

Last blog, but maybe just for now

I haven’t written in my blog for quite some time. There have been many events I wanted to share but couldn’t because it is inappropriate to share, or my memory isn’t as fresh. I have had a great experience while I have been in Haiti, but the best word to describe my time here is challenge. Of course I have learned a lot about myself. I now know what I am capable of, and what I can or cannot manage in the future. I believe I will be able to handle any situation I am in, but not without the help from others.

First I want to explain what I am thankful for in the U.S. I have a list, and I knew when I finished my time in Haiti and returned home, I would be that much more grateful. I know I am already a humble person and sometimes I say thank you too much. My cousin Kenny tells everyone “your welcome”, even if someone does a favor for him, but his confidence is through the roof. The truth is, I like to thank people. I want people to know they are appreciated, and I also want people to acknowledge my dedication to humanity. I don’t do it for the acknowledgment; I do it because it makes my heart and soul happy. I was born this way… So anyways… I will try not to make the list so long, but here it is.

1. Hot showers - I can’t tell you how many times I have had a cold shower, and each time I have a two second body shock. Bainet is the worst because in the rural area it is generally cooler, with fresh air and a low populated area. Port-au-Prince is mildly cold, and I don’t have to hold my breath to prepare myself for a cold body shock.

2. Garbage companies – I explained this in a previous blog, but I still look for a trashcan if I am in a public place, and my heart quietly itches when I throw something away on the ground. Haiti is littered with garbage, in the streets, in people’s yards, in the parking lots, in the water, etc. It is all so crazy to me, still, that Haiti hasn’t become modernly advanced in creating garbage companies to collect trash. If you didn’t know, each person is the government and they don’t have a government like the U.S., so a lot of things are bizarre here.

3. Employment – Almost everyone in Haiti is an entrepreneur.  There are businesses everywhere on the street, selling anything to make a dollar. If it were me, I would sell what I love. People sell food, beverages, health and beauty products, anything and everything they sell in America. These people are considered low class on the ranking pole, and they would do anything to earn a living, if it includes selling your products at the market from dusk until dawn. Even if I had to work at Wal-Mart part time to pay my bills, I was still fortunate to have a descent job without hard labor. 

4. Washer and dryer appliances – I learned how they do laundry in Haiti and of course they are professionals and I am such a rookie. I will wash my clothes because I like being independent, but these Haitian women laugh at me and take over. I may not be good at washing clothes traditionally, but I try my best. They still don’t come out as clean and fresh as they would if there was a washer and dryer involved, but that is how it works in Haiti.

There are still many many things I am thankful for, from electricity to easy living. One U.S. dollar equals eight Haitian dollars, and that might not mean anything to you, but life in Haiti is very difficult. Because I am white, the majority of Haitians assume I have money, and I can’t tell you how many times I have been asked for a handout.

I still have a lot more I want to write about but this will be my last blog for a while. I thank Marquise for putting up with me. I know I was difficult to handle at times. I guess she is the only one I felt really comfortable around, so she got to see the worst of me.

Now that I am home, I have SO much to do. Apply for jobs, see all my friends and family, work out, learn how to cook, etc. I do enjoy being home.

Thank you all for reading my blog and enjoying my experience with me!!!

I will be adding pictures throughout the week, on facebook and here. They add character!  

WAKE up!

I know it’s been a while since I have written but that is because I have been in a slump, and to be honest a little too lazy to write. However, on Friday night I had a great experience that I feel necessary to share. I went to a Haitian wake. First, I need to give my condolences to the lady who passed away. I don’t actually know her name but I saw her body. She was 76 and her hair was braided with a comb in it. I asked why they left the comb in her hair and they said that’s because that is the comb she always used. The wake was so beautiful in a sense that it was different compared to the American tradition. I would rather mine be similar to the Haitian style than the not so lively wakes they have at home. 

First, we got there and some boys were outside making jokes about the people crying over the loss of their loved ones. I’m not saying that is the cool part, because it is disrespectful, but it is reality. There were several activities going on at once. In one area there was a woman screaming at God asking him why he took her loved one. In another area, people were sitting around telling jokes and stories, reminiscing about the good times they had with their friend. They were also selling alcohol and cigarettes throughout the night. And… they gave out candy and ginger tea to everyone.

In the house where she lived, there were several benches people were sitting on, leaving and entering the room when they felt like it. This was my favorite place. They were singing hymns, the same hymns they sing at church. I took this moment for myself to remember my father. We sang hymns at my father’s funeral and he is the only person I have really loved in my life that has passed away. It was inevitable for his memories to arise during this wake. I spent about fifteen minutes listening to these Haitians sing to God about the loss of their friend/family member, while thinking about how much I missed my father.

Following, Marquise went on to show me what was going on here and there, and she told me that this wake is also a social gathering that lasts until 2:00 or 3:00 a.m. Girls sneak out of their house to meet up with their boyfriends, and anyone can come to this wake. I’m not sure how I feel about that if it was my wake, but then again I would be dead.

At last, my favorite part of the night was when a crowd formed a circle and ‘the boys’ started dancing.  This was SO COOL. These boys did some stomping dance around each other, like a competition. It was awesome because I don’t see this at home, especially at a wake. The only time I really see this kind of stuff is on television. It got dusty from all the stomping after ten minutes, so I left.

I almost said no to going to this event but then I thought to myself, “When am I ever going to be able to attend a wake in Haiti again?” I convinced myself to go.

I have some other memories to share before I leave, and I am waiting until I get to Port-au-Prince to write the rest of those. I can’t believe I leave in less then a week. First goal when I get home, find a part time job. Sad, but that’s reality.

Marquise and I have really grown close this past week and I am going to miss her. : ) 

Gay is not okay?

I went out on Saturday night, in Petion Ville, which apparently is a ritzy part of Haiti. There are a mixed group of races. To be honest, it was nice to see white people hanging out enjoying themselves in Haiti. I went with Fritz, Marquise, and some other friends with only one intention… to dance the night away. I don’t mind dancing with myself, and sometimes I like it, after I feel comfortable enough. I usually have to convince myself that nobody is watching me, and I am NEVER going to see these people again so I can just be myself. After I enjoyed a few Prestiges, I started to loosen up, but in no time a boy asked me to dance.

Well, let’s back it up. Before this boy asked me, Marquise and I saw this guy on the dance floor dancing pretty spectacularly. He was shaking his hips like no one else’s business, and Marquise pointed him out saying, “Now THERE is a gay Haitian boy.” (We have had our talks about gays in Haiti before this encounter) Oh yeah! Totally! I told her I should ask him to dance with me. Of course my nerves said… no way! But two minutes later, he asked me to dance and away we went. He kept saying I was a great dancer, but I was nothing compared to him. I wish I could describe his skills. Basically, if you have ever been to a club and seen a flamboyant gay guy dancing with his girls, this guy fits the criteria.

Anyways, as the time passed, I needed to use the ladies room and he persisted on bringing me. I felt comfortable enough around my new friend to ask him a personal question… I quietly asked him, “Are you gay?” Please don't judge me for asking someone this question, but I was really curious on what his response would be. 

His response was so odd and not what I expected. He told me that he was gay, that his close friends and family know but he prefers to have a romance with a woman and that people ask and tell him that all the time. I tried to explain to him that he should accept who he is and I would never judge him for liking men, but throughout the night he was upset that I asked him and kept on reassuring me that he likes women, while I just kept on reassuring him that whatever he wants is fine and he needs to be true to himself. It was very strange, the whole thing. I definitely opened a can of worms on that one. 

Oh gosh, so the night just started and more boys asked me to dance. Sure, it is just dancing and it was a lot of fun. The gay boy got very jealous and possessive and didn’t want me to dance with anyone but him. As I was dancing with another, he put his hat on me, like he owned me, and he tried to cut in and started dancing with me again. I was getting frustrated at this point. During this time he asked for my phone number and I told him I didn’t know it, which is the truth, and he didn’t believe me. Let’s just say I tried to stay away from him for the rest of the night, and the night ended quickly anyways because of more drama I somehow created that I can't explain on here. 

All I wanted to do was dance, and I didn’t really care with whom, which is why I felt most comfortable dancing with myself. Whoa! I think my dancing nights in Haiti are over with, which is unfortunate because dancing is my escape. It is the combination of music and feeling the rhythm of each song that I just love so much. It is like when a runner goes on a jog to release whatever it is they need and want to release. It is my exercise and remedy all at once. Just talking about it gets me all excited. I look forward to going out in Potsdam when I return home.

That is all for now. Much love! 

Visiting PAP

I am currently sitting on Fritz's bed, enjoying being in Port-au-Prince. I haven't written in my blog so much lately because the internet seems to be getting slower and slower in Bainet. It is a lot quicker here so I figure I could do an update.

I am miserable in Bainet. Every night I feel very alone and depressed. The only part of my day I enjoy is teaching the teachers in the morning, and when I drink my coffee. Other than that my days are slow and boring and lonely. Marquise is the only person I can speak with, and I hate being by her side all the time. I don't think she understands how difficult it is to be in a place where you have no one to speak with. Maybe she did when she first moved to America, but I can't wait to be done teaching so I can come back to PaP for one last week before I come home. At least here I have my foster family and Jimmy.

I know myself pretty well, once I am gone I will want to come back within a month. I plan on coming here for my birthday for a week in January. Mostly because I want to see Jimmy, but also because I have my family here. I don't think I ever want to go back to Bainet, unless I speak fluent Creole/French, or to see the final product of the school. I keep hearing from loved ones that this is preparing me for Peace Corps, and I totally agree except I will be able to communicate with more people on a daily basis. I think I have stressed this factor many times throughout my blogging. I can't imagine living a life where I couldn't have contact with anybody. I would go insane!

Three weeks left, two in Bainet and one in PaP, and then HOME, here I come! I look forward to seeing my girlfriends, relaxing with my mom while we watch an episode of Criminal Minds or Leverage. I look forward to seeing my niece and nephew while they paint my nails and we build tall building out of wooden blocks. I look forward to working a part time job and interacting with strangers every day. I am so excited to see my cat, Tux. I don't miss him terribly, really only if I see another cat. What I really look forward to the most is listening to my own music again. I miss MY music.

I would say that music is the most important 'thing' in my life. I can't find the right word, but music is everything to me. I somehow erased my music on my iTunes, and it can't be restored because they were cd's of mine that I burned, so I've been doing without and it has definitely influenced my attitude in a negative manner.

Anyways, there is a lot I look forward to when I come home. I know I will be greeted with many hugs and "I missed you!" and I can't wait to tell everyone about my adventure here! I am also very thankful for what I have. I have always been a thankful and humble person, but I think it doubled! haha!

This is me when I first arrived to Haiti. This is what I will look like when I head home!

I love you all. Enjoying my day in PaP and looking forward to coming home!

xoxo

Memories

I made a great memory last Thursday that I have been meaning to write about. Seven of us went on a hike, and we went down the mountain, I mean really steep down. It is harder for me to walk down the mountain because my knees feel weak. I guess I don’t do it enough. However, going up the mountain is a workout I enjoy. It is so instant, my legs burn and I know I am pumping some iron. Of course I was the one lagging while everyone was like a bunny jumping from rock to rock. They didn’t mind and Jimmy waited for me, singing silly songs and recommending I take pictures of such and such because it is beautiful and he knew it was new to me. I took a picture of homemade paint. It’s a natural resource. They dig white rocks out of the ground and then put it on huge fire and also let it soak up the sun. Then it becomes like powder and they smash it and add water. Finally they take a broom and paint their houses or whatever needs to be painted. The whole idea is pretty interesting.

Well on our walk we stopped at several places to rest and visit loved ones along the way. My bottle of water ran out quickly and I was starting to get hungry, but I plowed through without complaints. At one point we went by a cemetery and they were all quiet and respectful, but I heard Jimmy try to say the word in English so I said loudly, “A CEMETERY.” They all turned and laughed at me and gave me the shhh… signal. Oh. It is strange because they build little houses for deceased ones, not tombstones. These things are serious, and some are as big as the size of an average porch. And some of them are quiet beautiful. There is one outside this house in Bainet for their Grandmother. Below is a picture I took of the generator used for one of the 'projects' and to the right of that you can see their Grandmother's house tombstone. I forget what they call it.

So we were getting close to home and I finally knew where I was, and I started to head back but they said we have one other place to go. By now we have been walking over 45 minutes (haha!) and I am hungry, thirsty, and tired. My sunburn I explained from a previous blog was in pain and Yeah Yeah Yeah. Jimmy said I had no choice but to go and we would be headed home soon. I am so happy I didn’t let my stubbornness take control because we went to another friends house and it was one of my favorite memories yet. The boys cut down sugarcane and we sucked the sugar out of them, they opened coconuts and drank the juice, and mangos were being passed out to everyone. It was my one of my favorite moments because we were all just having fun by being silly with these natural treats. Everyone was having a good time. I had my camera with me so I took many photos, mostly of the view and the new friends I made. It was pretty cool!

Counting the days until I can come home. : )

Beach... No, it's the OCEAN!!!

Yesterday, I had an awesome experience in Jacmel, Haiti. Jimmy, Marquise, Roberto, and I went to the ocean. We took a motorcycle ride, me in the middle, and Jimmy in the back. I had a moment when I felt like I was Kate Winslet with her Romeo behind her during that scene in Titanic. I lifted up my arms with Jimmy and we felt the wind brush our bodies, while I slightly turn my head to kiss him. Oh gosh, I sound like a lovesick puppy, which right now I am.

Back to the beach, or that’s what they call it and this place is gorgeous, even if it is littered with trash. Palm trees every seven feet, people walking around selling food, candy, all kinds of junk, and men walking around trying to earn a living with their music. It is a relaxing and fun atmosphere. Not to mention the ocean is GORGEOUS! The water is a beautiful clear blue and as soon as I went in, I explained that this is not a beach, but it is the ocean. It was warm and the inside of my bathing suit was instantly full of sand.

When I was younger, I remember my father bringing my brother and I to the ocean in New Hampshire. It was very similar, full of people, HOT sand and they have a boardwalk selling food, clothes, jewelry, etc. The biggest difference is the temperature of the water, and of course the location. The waves were the same and we would jump each time a big wave came our way. Jimmy and I played a game to see who could find the coolest rocks. He won of course! I brought home the first one he found, just as a memory. There were times when the waves took me over and took me under. That was the worst because the water taste disgusting and I was rubbing my eyes too much that by the end of the day they were sore.

I usually don’t eat fish, mostly because fish disgust me, the smell, the taste, the texture, but I tried some of Jimmy's and I actually somewhat liked it. It was strange though because the head and tail were still attached, and we ate the middle. I don’t think it is something I plan on eating every week, but I feel like I can be more open-minded about seafood now.

The drivers stayed with us for the day and our driver had a bottle of alcohol in his pocket. I noticed that he likes to race with the other motorcyclist. I am so very thankful that he didn’t smell like B.O. It is hot in Haiti if you haven’t guessed and half of the time I am not doing any activity but manage to still sweat.  I felt safe with our driver because he does this for a living, even if he is drinking on the job. It was about $16 U.S. dollars for the day for both Jimmy and I. The whole day was a great experience and I had a lot of fun. I was exhausted by bedtime.

Jimmy left for home today. I am going to PaP this weekend with Marquise and Roberto and I cannot wait to see him. It sickens me how in love I am, and it all happened so quickly. I look forward to seeing my foster family in PaP this weekend!

That is all for now, ladies and gentlemen.